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May. 26th, 2015

My little sister lost her boyfriend a few days ago. He wasn't wearing his life jacket when he went out canoeing up North. There was storm and he didn't know how to swim. His boat capsized...

I can't even imagine what she's going through right now. They would have been celebrating their one year anniversary together when he got back. My parents don't know she was dating anybody. We just told them that her close friend from school passed away. My older sister was the only other one in the family that met him. I wish I had gotten to meet him while I still had the chance. I wish I could find a way to take all the pain my little sister feels. It feels like she always draws the short end of the stick. She's been through more than anyone else I know. But she's also one of the strongest people that I know because of it.

When we're young we tend to think that time is on our side. We don't live our lives as if it were about to end. I wonder how our actions would change if we didn't think this way. I wonder if we'd find a new sense of bravery and aim to accomplish all the things we were too afraid to do, or if we'd use that newly found awareness of our own mortality as justification for falling into a state of disregard for everything around us. I wish I could say that I could fall into the former category. However, I haven't been doing all the things that I could be doing with my time. For now, I'm still grateful for every extra minute that I'm given.

Belated New Year's sentiments

Traditionally when the year is drawing to an end I take some time to myself to reflect back on everything and write about it. Surprisingly I've been really busy though and haven't had the appropriate time to do that yet. 2014 was one of the best and worst years of my life. I had an amazing experience in university. I wasn't prepared for it to be over. I'm still not prepared. Graduating was not what I expected it to be.

I had a lot of firsts. I tried online dating for the fiirst time. I had my first sexual experience. That ended up quickly turning into multiple sexual experiences. And all with people that I ended up feeling didn't really think I was good enough for anything more than that. I lost a lot of confidence in myself.

But I did say that 2014 was also one of my best years. There were plenty of good firsts. I visited another province in Canada for the first time (Montreal). I got my first smart phone at the beginning of the year. I had made an instagram account when I got my new phone and right now all the pictures on it are from 2014. At a glance, it's really so remarkable to believe that I got to be a part of all that. And I know that there was so much more I was a part of that wasn't documented in photos. I am so truly grateful.

As for 2015, it just kind of knocked itself into me as if it were a person twice my size in a crowd full of people rushing in opposing directions. So far I'm not going in the direction that I want to go in. I could settle for going in whichever direction the (very rude and inconsiderate) anthropomorphized 2015 knocked me in. Or I could stand back up like the intelligent and capable woman I once believed myself to be and take the steps towards walking the direction that will make me closer to where I actually want to be.

I'll leave you now with the wise words of Amanda circa 2013:


Here's to a new year of ups and downs and sideways and everything in between. It's kind of unfortunate though how everyone only waits to celebrate the possibilities of change after a whole year has passed. What about Happy New Month or Happy New Week or even Happy New Day? Any time can be a time for change.

Zzzzz

I sometimes wish that I could live somewhere far away. I wish I could live somewhere that didn't have any family or friends around so that my loneliness could be justified. I wish I lived somewhere where I had no way of getting around so that I would have a valid reason for wanting to stay inside all day. I wish I lived somewhere where everyone spoke a different language than me so I could at least understand why it is that I am so unable to have meaningful conversations with anyone or connect with people.
I'm pretty secure about my insecurities. Don't take anything I say too seriously.
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